3 Tips for Setting Boundaries with Toxic Family Members

Boundaries are a form of self-care. They make our expectations clear, so other people know what to expect and how you want to be treated. Healthy boundaries are the foundation for all happy, satisfying relationships.

Unfortunately, setting boundaries with a toxic person can be a frustrating experience. The challenge becomes even more difficult when those toxic people are family. Patterns that evolve over a lifetime aren’t likely to change after a single conversation. Still, healthy boundaries are always worth setting in place. While we may not be able to control the way our family responds, we can learn to set clear boundaries and take care of ourselves.

Identify Boundaries

Before you try to communicate your wishes to toxic family members, take time to consider what boundaries you’d like to create. They can be physical, emotional, and even digital. Choosing not to accept a toxic parent’s friend request on Facebook is a healthy boundary. Opting not to spend holidays with a toxic sibling is another example. Even little things like not responding to text messages after 9 PM can be a form of healthy boundaries.

Communicate Your Boundaries

Explain your boundaries to your toxic family members as needed. When you choose to voice these boundaries, make sure you’re speaking calmly, clearly and consistently. Don’t blame or attack. Simply explain what you’re doing and why. It’s more effective to say “I’m calling an Uber. I’m not getting in the car with you after you’ve been drinking” than it is to get angry and say “I can’t believe you would drive drunk!”

Follow Through With Your Intentions

 Boundaries are useless if you’re not willing to see them through. When someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, re-state them clearly and calmly. If your boundaries are repeatedly ignored or disregarded, it may be time to walk away – at least for the moment. Send the message that you’re unwilling to interact with people who disrespect your wishes. If they continue to message you and try to get you to engage, simply repeat your boundaries again. The process may take several attempts before your message truly sinks in.

Setting boundaries can be painful. Cognitive behavioral therapy can help you process the experience and give you helpful tools to make the experience more manageable. If you think you need support in setting boundaries with your toxic family members, schedule an appointment with Azevedo Family Psychology today.